There is something sacred about the moment you realize you are no longer who you once were. I had one of those recently, looking back at the woman I used to be and barely recognizing her.
It didn't happen overnight, because nothing ever does. Years of over performing, over scheduling, overdoing it all. That was my normal. The perfect mother who packed the lunches. The wife with dinner on the table because that's what I thought I was supposed to do. The woman everyone could count on. Underneath it, I was running on fumes and pretending I was not, and I was hurting.
I was reacting from my wounded inner child and did not even know it. My partner would leave a dish in the sink and I would snap like he had betrayed me. My teenager would ignore me, and it would put me into a depressive state for the rest of the night. It wasn't about the dish or my teen. It was a little girl inside me who never felt noticed, still waiting to be seen.
I lived almost entirely in my masculine, powering through, treating rest like something I had to earn. The worst part was that I knew it while it was happening. Years living in fight or flight or freeze, I finally broke.
I remember it clearly. It was one of many dark nights of my soul, but this one was the most important one of my life.
I found myself on the closet floor in my unfinished bathroom as the entire world fell on top of me. I no longer wanted to be here. My husband found me and held me through it. That is when it all changed.
I made a choice that night. I did not want to pass this pain, sadness, these toxic patterns down to my children. I was done blaming everyone and everything, my childhood, my circumstances. I finally saw it clearly, and that moment changed everything. I knew I had to practice what I taught. Through the breath, through the mirror, through holding my inner child, I unraveled.
Then through the remembering of who I am before the world told me who not to be, I became her again.
Now I pause instead of snapping. I observe. I create boundaries. I speak up. I am breaking patterns simply by refusing to hand them down.
Here is what I know. Healing yourself heals your children too. When you finally say yes to her, your whole life rearranges around it. You are your own best bet in this life. And I will show you how. 馃